Dear Society…

Hello,

Im going to use this platform as a place for me to “vent” and hopefully you can relate to it one way or another. I plan to touch on different aspects of my life; life never goes as planned and mine is definitely not any different. I have no general direction with this but what I post may or may not be relevant to you. After all, this is my journey and I am simply welcoming you to it. With that said, don’t expect anything from me, I’ll post when I can but all posts are in the moment & I deeply care about what I’m putting out.

I want you to leave having learned something about myself since I am exposing a side of me that many never venture / or put out into the world. Hopefully you leave with the feeling that someone else is out here thinking what you’re thinking.

I recommend starting from the bottom, since you’re here.

Welcome.

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2009

The feeling of just letting go is something worth holding on to for a lifetime. I couldn’t pinpoint this feeling I’ve been having for a while now & now I think I get it; it’s just a feeling of being calm & at peace from letting go of anything or anyone trying to bring me out of “character” or just negative vibes in general.

Duces, invade someone else’s life with that headache, I got real shit to stress about… like my bank account (shoutout to cole)

I finally have had ample amount of time to myself, to view myself, accept my path / alter and change it as I go, save mula, buy unlimited amounts of snickerdoodle hot chocolate from Starbucks, and jokes aside really get the tools to build a new foundation for myself despite all the times life has brought me to my knees & just take life for the blessing that it is overall.

Some people call it growth. But it doesn’t stop;

& little by little you keep chipping away at it.. that’s progress right?

I mean if you can’t evolve in life you won’t get any further from where you currently are right??

Look, I did and still am doing the ultimate letting go when it comes to my fears, & what a fucking journey that has been, but the best so far was falling 13,000 ft, looking back at a clear sky & the perfectly good airplane I just fell from – viewing the world below me getting closer and closer, I was struggling to breathe, I was scared & smiling, hell, 13,000 ft with my life in a strangers hands? You can bet your ass I yelled like I had no home training, just floating in the moment (literally) – something hit me that I think we all tell ourselves but really i felt it;

I’ll be ok. God got me.

& that’s a pretty cool feeling to be sure about when you’ve been chilling at the lowest points of your life mentally.

On a side side note; Only I would pick a Sunday to have an urge to just say fuck it and adopt a dog, because every place is closed. I know all y’all weren’t praising god…

I’ve come to terms with my spontaneous impulses, & I love when I actually act on them. It’s deeper than that though, I crave interaction since I don’t have a relationship atm so a dog is the perfect substitute for the time being. Hopefully I can find a puppy so I can train it exactly how I want even though I have zero idea on how to train a dog lol point, don’t piss there, don’t jump on there and we’ll have a fantastic relationship lol, I crack myself up.

Last thing, I realized everyone’s in a good mood the closer it gets to Christmas, idk why nobody getting anything from me, not a single soul but my daughter deserves a thing. Okay, maybe one other person, but why am I in a bah humbug type of mood about ? Easy, because people try your patience time after time, walk over you etc etc and tend to mistake kindness as me forgetting every single thing ever done to me, cancers are petty souls and I’m the best at it, I got that patient pettiness, you know the one who can sit on something for years and then BAM! You thought I forgot type of patience. Haha.

I been running from relationships for so long that this time life won’t let me do it, especially since I been using the excuse “I’m still trying to find myself” line, knowing I want a soul mate but ima keep it on the low low can’t jinx this potential blessing I have come across. This is definitely different.

Y’all up in anime ? I just joined the Naruto fam, so ima get back to that just had to get this off my chest.

Until next time.

(2009 / Mac Miller) if you don’t know Or forgot I write to music.

Cutting ties

I put my life in reverse at times & I dig up all my old pain and focus on healing it so overall I can change my emotional well being; Sad part is people will laugh when you’re being positive. That’s crazy, people really want to see you down & out. The delusion. The nerve.. the audacity of those who attempt to bring you down because of their own actions / short comings in life.

But like 6lack said, “I got a daughter to raise, one day she gon’ be a queen. I’m tryna get s—t together, so she can have anything.”

So as much as I’m doing things for me it’s really for her life to be easier.

Okay anyways;

At the end of the day when I have a moment to myself I’m always in my head, about myself; if that makes any sense? Not in a bad way, just in a deep, progressive; thought. What are my next moves? Long term goals, issues to overcome, books I want to read, did I eat? Workout? Call my family? Pray? Pay my bills? etc.

You need to keep things in front of you to face them head on.

I love myself and I still question some of my actions, (but I learn, never regret them) I push myself and fall back to old issues, I cry tears of joy and hunch over at the pain of life. It’s normal. I believe in myself whole heartedly but I make time to listen to the lies too. I get criticized from strangers and adapt, love from family that is unmatched and I don’t stress over making or even maintaining friendships. I found love, lost love and stopped looking for it because I’ll share life with someone eventually.

Guess I’m in a good place of…. limbo?

I can’t find a word for it but Im getting older & going out is gettin’ old…

(6lack references on deck today)

So I know for a fact I love to go to the beach right before a sunset just to stare at the sun reflecting off the ocean & the waves are mesmerizing, its truly beautiful. In those moments i know that I need to keep trying for my goals , I must keep trying the same thing over and over because it’ll never come to “shore” in the same spot, so it doesn’t matter how many times I fail my attempts, I’ll pull myself together and go for it again and again, I’ll either succeed or it’ll just be a new lesson; but first I need to work on being as relentless as the waves crashing to shore. It’s obstacle is LITERALLY the world; yet it keeps on going and shapes the world many different ways. It’s way.

Relentlessly.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before BUT You ever just sit and think about life or talk about life with random people??

— I swear those are the best conversations to have because you tend to open up more on life and speak your truth freely because sometimes you just get tired of living it; besides you know these are people with zero connection to you and are less likely to have an bias opinion. So why not? At the end of it all, all you end up doing is reflect on the bad, the crazy, the blessings and everything in between.

& smile; because Honesty, clarity & being heard is good for your mental health. & that’s something I’ve been big on as of late.

insert random non traditional/rhyming free verse poem below..

(if you must know free verse isn’t supposed to rhyme)

Im ready to continue this race but first you have to pass me the baton so I can win… or better yet; stampede to this finish line of love.. I’m ready

Better yet, this journey; isn’t a race and it isn’t a war so let’s forget what we were fighting for before it happens and let’s fight toward something more…. everlasting; or I can’t see this lasting.

People are always on the go, and I know because I’m in that category too, Never resting or taking time for self; but I read a quote and it’s simple..

“Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was just breathe”

Okay last thing I’ll speak on is

*self evaluation* or situations.

Starting with “situations”

I know my situation is too much to sit on for some, but I embrace it, can’t run from things that aren’t going away so I low key speak to the people I think highly of about it to keep my mind level. — Another big change is in route for better or maybe for worse, who knows but this isn’t the time to get complacent or should I say situated, so I I’ll leave it in an higher power hands.

As far as self evaluation; you know when I was putting my life in reverse a while back I also noticed that throughout my childhood, teenage years & part of my adult life I had adopted some anger, forgave some lies, drifted into peace, fed my share of bullshit, dealt with other people’s pain and witnessed time reveal its truths; and life continued to help me grow into something better today it’s all a process & one hell of a journey to fix.

It’s not easy;

Sometimes you have to hope your ex’s are happy and healthy, hope old friends are doing good, hope everyone who’s ever done you wrong learned a lesson from it, anyone I hurt – I apologize, because at the end of it all, forgiveness is all that matters when you’re trying to receive blessings in life; but you have to first acknowledge your mistakes.

Alright I’m rambling again since “I’ve gotten good at letting good things go. I get uncomfortable, when things get comfortable, cause I’m so used to watching good things leave, so pardon me, it’s just apart of me”

Few more days and I’m cutting ties with Fort Lee, VA & back to Cali! Y’all stay blessed.

(Also I recommend this book called Unfu*k Yourself by Gary John Bishop, no link here because I’m not getting paid for this shoutout aha)

Nonchalant

Here’s the thing..

Life can be easy but it’s never simple.

It’s very easy to get side tracked when you’re not staying in your lane anyway. You’ll see..

Mhmmm It’s been a while. No surprise there, but for whoever does read this, My bad, it takes time to somewhat organize your life, especially when you’re writing you own thoughts yourself;

Everyone can’t afford Quentin Miller.

I been doing this about a week. Struggling with a forever racing mind.

So as usual, with no expectations – expect this to be all over the place.

So recently Ive been told I’ve changed and I wonder if people know any other words or even people because that’s the one i get over and over again from people who need some self-reflection themselves. But I won’t go there so I just nod & take it again, unbothered, mostly craving food or hot chocolate as they speak, since I feel that Im still just me. I see nothing wrong with me changing, but because I’m somewhere between responding & hell naw, idk how to respond usually because who wouldn’t want a change in life?

So nods, & fake, deep, I’m listening expressions, saves a headache.

You know It’s deeper than accusations though, they’re usually premeditated accusations coming out at certain moments people try to catch me off guard, but I’m pretty in-tune with myself & I can sense it, anyways, I feel like you have to talk to the heart of someone & maybe you can see past the visual things before you speak on someone changing.

Just a suggestion.

Curiosity was at an all time high so I finally read my own blog few days ago; years later; and I smiled because the things I’ve written seem to just flow, feel genuine and there are some very exposing moments in my life so I expected/thought It’d be all over the place seeing that my thoughts tend to be.

To me it’s not and that’s a dope feeling to have about yourself & In my mind I’m a 🐐 from here on out lol.

Still..

I want to do better.

I can’t misrepresent myself.

There’s always something going on in my life BTS, but this change within the next month or two / end of year at the latest has my fingers crossed, Hopes high, blessings up & not looking back at anyone or anything because when it does…. Godspeed trying to find me.

to reality 🔙

Still have to go through everyday life like normal. Can’t live in a distraction / day dream.

Nothing good comes to wasting time.

I got hit with an all too familiar feeling sept 7th that I know will take me a while to get rid of; leaving / vulnerable.

It feels like every time I leave the worst part is the FEAR of coming back to start all over, realizing everything or something has changed, again. That’s what I don’t want again.

I guess not all change is good.

Look,

I never complained about leaving before I joined the service; i couldn’t wait to leave and explore but now I know it just has a way of making your relationships fall out, whether it’s friendship or dating and even family; hard to communicate or establish things with someone who isn’t around, or doesn’t have time. That’s just facts. Then ill start feeling vulnerable when I’ve exposed so much of my life to someone & then that disconnect you once felt in life before is slowly becoming somewhat of an attachment, then just as the storm starts to settle I’m back at sea… Its almost impossible to maintain consistent communication with people who don’t understand military life ESPECIALLY when you’re on orders. It’s out of my hands.

But–

As I expected.. when people naturally are feeling unwanted they leave but I wonder; because if I’m not physically there, would your mind want me, Like your soul wants me ? What’s the vibe? I mean.. verdict? Is your attraction a physical thing because you need comfort through the pain of life and overly present loneliness or something mental? Mentally injecting you with knowledge; or maybe we’re in the moment and just two strangers walking past one another who just never stopped smiling, waving and showing up in each other’s lives? Are you the living embodiment of what my forever looks like or Ms. Karma in the flesh? Wanting me to put pride to the side and let our hearts lead the way just ——

Let me stop.

It’s complicated my heart belongs to the greatest love I’ve ever felt even though she has only been in this world less than 2years, & I haven’t seen her much, but my foundation started because of her. I haven’t made room for anyone else.

Placing love on hold for now, but waiting for the right call.

But back to the military thing, I drifted off.

I mean don’t get me wrong; I’m glad to be able to travel, life is beautiful, the world is big, and I am grateful to see another day but I’m at this point in life where I am all traveled out for this year; I want to be at my home relaxed. I don’t care if I’m just looking at the walls, it’ll be MY damn walls, SO if I randomly snap just my walls, don’t @ me, you should know what it is.

So a hurricane is here.

I’m from California. Da faaaq is a hurricane?!

I always feared hurricanes due to the known devastation they bring of course, but mainly because I still cannot swim, so my chances of survival is about a -5%

Jokes aside loved ones have been lost. Appreciate what we have & send them prayers up.

So again I tried to talk to god because everything comes from him/her/it 🤷🏾‍♂️ since times like this I spend most days with my head in the clouds but feet moving on the pavement type of vibe. The goal is to make room for new blessings & new adventures life may have in store for me but I get really caught up with backtracking on my thoughts; then somehow; Pushing through on my goals then back on the rollercoaster falling through on some plans..essentially I’m back struggling to find a balance again so I’ll chill in my little circle of instability looking to god to direct me back to the path I wondered from randomly; thinking life was a race against people I’ll never meet.

My intuition is unmatched.

I know I needed to tone it down.

Gotta learn things slow.

Carrying on,

This is long, hang in there.

I realized I’m hard on myself, & will continue to be hard on myself; because I know where I was, understand where I am, & hungry for where I see myself going. Just embracing the change, change is what I’ve grown accustomed to other than the people who change into people I no longer know.

That’s confusion; cannot get accustomed to that

I’ve been talking about change a lot huh?

Oh well lol I question everything rather than fall for everything you know ?

I wonder, do people think I was born yesterday because I pick and choose what, how and when to respond? I peep the games / lies / bitch-ass-ness that just emanates from certain peoples directions. So much bitch-ass-ness around it is just ridiculous. I swear military life isn’t for me, sometimes but I signed the contract so now my consciousness can only think free.

I was told I’m an introvert and I roll with that too because it sounds cool & people love to & need to put labels on everything. It seems to be the only way people can understand or process life. My every move isn’t broadcasted on social media.. unless me in my car singing on snap counts?? 🧐 but i guess I’m anti-social because of it? Be real, Life isn’t supposed to be everybody’s business. I think. How many times must I explain that. I love chilling at home by myself doing things by myself and hardly going out so, if that makes me an introvert in your eyes oh well, the real question is where is this concern of my life coming from? I’m content with my choices.

Which is coo with me, I prefer it that way.

I’ll leave it at that i can go on and on with this, I spend too much time writing & thinking.

Until next time

Another one

I remember just a few nights ago at midnight, I sat and I thought about how I’m now 26 and the whole “we wasn’t supposed to make it past 25” phrase and can’t help but smile and tell myself happy birthday. Then I just jump to the more serious part of life and wonder what do I have to show for the years I’ve been in this world? How have I changed? Lastly, what can I improve?

That’s the main one, what can I improve?

If I’m being completely honest I’m not sure, nor am I sure of how I got here since I tend to remember all my mistakes/failures and ignore my blessings, but overall I’m not complaining, just unsure.

Anyways,

There I was in my car playing emotionless by drake full of emotions telling myself I got more years ahead of me (god willing) & that I won’t spend life alone one day, and how I have a lot of plans and goals to reach so it’s crunch time.

I mean really, what’s stopping me?

I’m in a new city (LA), a new apartment, got a new car, great career I’m starting for myself with the same goals and more progress. Only limitations I have are those I put in myself.

BUT – That’s the mantra!

Same goals / more progress.

& stay humble of course.

Oh yeah, 🤦🏾‍♂️ I am back!

Well I’ve been back for a month in the states and although everything seems to be going pretty fast, I seem to have a good control on the things at hand, and the upcoming events I know of, BUT let me knock on some wood since life has a way of giving me reality checks that are too big to be cashed sometimes. So I’ll just ride this wave out as smoothly as possible avoiding all negativity in the process.

I kind of been getting out, being social, & kind of been like fuck people let me sit at home and nerd it out on some video games. Call it balance. (Ha drake did say, Old ways new women gotta keep a balance) that was random but point is, Balance is good. I need more balance.

Kind of been nice but kind of an asshole just the same.. eh yeeeeah, balance.

Fast forward to the present, I’m currently at a beach reflecting on that night , (I spend a lot of time at the beach spacing out looking at the water when I’m not rolling through LA with the windows down & music blasting) I’m really just enjoying the vibe. Enjoying the sun & Enjoying these random conversations with the rare percentage of the population who can speak face to face rather than text 24/7 with empty emotions.

Life’s a trip. I’ll Enjoy it though because you can’t confuse a bad day, with a bad life.

Until next time.

I am

I am..

The breeze that flows through life.

The one who fears failure during success.

The bird, limited, with potential to fly.

The moon that reflects off the city lights.

The oblivious that feels your intentions.

The lonely who needs something deeper.

The man in the shadows treading lightly.

Satisfied with nothing.

Full of mistakes, calling it “exploring life.”

Grinding for consistency.

Spending for acceptance.

Sleeping on people, dreams, & connections.

Waking up to push past the nightmares.

Sacrificing my wants to do what’s needed.

Yet I keep this mindset that;

I am killmonger.

I am King.

I am me.

(now that you just read through it, go back and add “I am” before every sentence besides the one with “yet”)

Much love.

Mixed Feelings

Arguments with myself

So many fading memories

With very present pains

You shouldn’t be here so soon.

No more emotion we said

Why aren’t you listening

Go ahead and beat away

Don’t cry when they’re gone again

Nobody told you to open up

Cant fear being let down again

Are you even ready to start over

Ready for a new truth

Ready for new lies

Ready to embrace a new view

Do you trust yourself

You know you’ll mess up

Don’t forget this time

Perfection is not love

Love comes in time

So go ahead and beat away

You have a mind of your own

Looking for a simple place

Where you’re not beating alone