Here’s the thing..
Life can be easy but it’s never simple.
It’s very easy to get side tracked when you’re not staying in your lane anyway. You’ll see..
Mhmmm It’s been a while. No surprise there, but for whoever does read this, My bad, it takes time to somewhat organize your life, especially when you’re writing you own thoughts yourself;
Everyone can’t afford Quentin Miller.
I been doing this about a week. Struggling with a forever racing mind.
So as usual, with no expectations – expect this to be all over the place.
So recently Ive been told I’ve changed and I wonder if people know any other words or even people because that’s the one i get over and over again from people who need some self-reflection themselves. But I won’t go there so I just nod & take it again, unbothered, mostly craving food or hot chocolate as they speak, since I feel that Im still just me. I see nothing wrong with me changing, but because I’m somewhere between responding & hell naw, idk how to respond usually because who wouldn’t want a change in life?
So nods, & fake, deep, I’m listening expressions, saves a headache.
You know It’s deeper than accusations though, they’re usually premeditated accusations coming out at certain moments people try to catch me off guard, but I’m pretty in-tune with myself & I can sense it, anyways, I feel like you have to talk to the heart of someone & maybe you can see past the visual things before you speak on someone changing.
Just a suggestion.
Curiosity was at an all time high so I finally read my own blog few days ago; years later; and I smiled because the things I’ve written seem to just flow, feel genuine and there are some very exposing moments in my life so I expected/thought It’d be all over the place seeing that my thoughts tend to be.
To me it’s not and that’s a dope feeling to have about yourself & In my mind I’m a 🐐 from here on out lol.
I want to do better.
I can’t misrepresent myself.
There’s always something going on in my life BTS, but this change within the next month or two / end of year at the latest has my fingers crossed, Hopes high, blessings up & not looking back at anyone or anything because when it does…. Godspeed trying to find me.
to reality 🔙
Still have to go through everyday life like normal. Can’t live in a distraction / day dream.
Nothing good comes to wasting time.
I got hit with an all too familiar feeling sept 7th that I know will take me a while to get rid of; leaving / vulnerable.
It feels like every time I leave the worst part is the FEAR of coming back to start all over, realizing everything or something has changed, again. That’s what I don’t want again.
I guess not all change is good.
I never complained about leaving before I joined the service; i couldn’t wait to leave and explore but now I know it just has a way of making your relationships fall out, whether it’s friendship or dating and even family; hard to communicate or establish things with someone who isn’t around, or doesn’t have time. That’s just facts. Then ill start feeling vulnerable when I’ve exposed so much of my life to someone & then that disconnect you once felt in life before is slowly becoming somewhat of an attachment, then just as the storm starts to settle I’m back at sea… Its almost impossible to maintain consistent communication with people who don’t understand military life ESPECIALLY when you’re on orders. It’s out of my hands.
As I expected.. when people naturally are feeling unwanted they leave but I wonder; because if I’m not physically there, would your mind want me, Like your soul wants me ? What’s the vibe? I mean.. verdict? Is your attraction a physical thing because you need comfort through the pain of life and overly present loneliness or something mental? Mentally injecting you with knowledge; or maybe we’re in the moment and just two strangers walking past one another who just never stopped smiling, waving and showing up in each other’s lives? Are you the living embodiment of what my forever looks like or Ms. Karma in the flesh? Wanting me to put pride to the side and let our hearts lead the way just ——
Let me stop.
It’s complicated my heart belongs to the greatest love I’ve ever felt even though she has only been in this world less than 2years, & I haven’t seen her much, but my foundation started because of her. I haven’t made room for anyone else.
Placing love on hold for now, but waiting for the right call.
But back to the military thing, I drifted off.
I mean don’t get me wrong; I’m glad to be able to travel, life is beautiful, the world is big, and I am grateful to see another day but I’m at this point in life where I am all traveled out for this year; I want to be at my home relaxed. I don’t care if I’m just looking at the walls, it’ll be MY damn walls, SO if I randomly snap just my walls, don’t @ me, you should know what it is.
So a hurricane is here.
I’m from California. Da faaaq is a hurricane?!
I always feared hurricanes due to the known devastation they bring of course, but mainly because I still cannot swim, so my chances of survival is about a -5%
Jokes aside loved ones have been lost. Appreciate what we have & send them prayers up.
So again I tried to talk to god because everything comes from him/her/it 🤷🏾♂️ since times like this I spend most days with my head in the clouds but feet moving on the pavement type of vibe. The goal is to make room for new blessings & new adventures life may have in store for me but I get really caught up with backtracking on my thoughts; then somehow; Pushing through on my goals then back on the rollercoaster falling through on some plans..essentially I’m back struggling to find a balance again so I’ll chill in my little circle of instability looking to god to direct me back to the path I wondered from randomly; thinking life was a race against people I’ll never meet.
My intuition is unmatched.
I know I needed to tone it down.
Gotta learn things slow.
This is long, hang in there.
I realized I’m hard on myself, & will continue to be hard on myself; because I know where I was, understand where I am, & hungry for where I see myself going. Just embracing the change, change is what I’ve grown accustomed to other than the people who change into people I no longer know.
That’s confusion; cannot get accustomed to that
I’ve been talking about change a lot huh?
Oh well lol I question everything rather than fall for everything you know ?
I wonder, do people think I was born yesterday because I pick and choose what, how and when to respond? I peep the games / lies / bitch-ass-ness that just emanates from certain peoples directions. So much bitch-ass-ness around it is just ridiculous. I swear military life isn’t for me, sometimes but I signed the contract so now my consciousness can only think free.
I was told I’m an introvert and I roll with that too because it sounds cool & people love to & need to put labels on everything. It seems to be the only way people can understand or process life. My every move isn’t broadcasted on social media.. unless me in my car singing on snap counts?? 🧐 but i guess I’m anti-social because of it? Be real, Life isn’t supposed to be everybody’s business. I think. How many times must I explain that. I love chilling at home by myself doing things by myself and hardly going out so, if that makes me an introvert in your eyes oh well, the real question is where is this concern of my life coming from? I’m content with my choices.
Which is coo with me, I prefer it that way.
I’ll leave it at that i can go on and on with this, I spend too much time writing & thinking.
Until next time