I am

I am..

The breeze that flows through life.

The one who fears failure during success.

The bird, limited, with potential to fly.

The moon that reflects off the city lights.

The oblivious that feels your intentions.

The lonely who needs something deeper.

The man in the shadows treading lightly.

Satisfied with nothing.

Full of mistakes, calling it “exploring life.”

Grinding for consistency.

Spending for acceptance.

Sleeping on people, dreams, & connections.

Waking up to push past the nightmares.

Sacrificing my wants to do what’s needed.

Yet I keep this mindset that;

I am killmonger.

I am King.

I am me.

(now that you just read through it, go back and add “I am” before every sentence besides the one with “yet”)

Much love.


Mixed Feelings

Arguments with myself

So many fading memories

With very present pains

You shouldn’t be here so soon.

No more emotion we said

Why aren’t you listening

Go ahead and beat away

Don’t cry when they’re gone again

Nobody told you to open up

Cant fear being let down again

Are you even ready to start over

Ready for a new truth

Ready for new lies

Ready to embrace a new view

Do you trust yourself

You know you’ll mess up

Don’t forget this time

Perfection is not love

Love comes in time

So go ahead and beat away

You have a mind of your own

Looking for a simple place

Where you’re not beating alone

Partially Functional

Warning – I have no direction with this I’m just writing whatever comes to mind.

Friend of mine told me I like to exist in the depths of solitude, which I agree but I wonder if they knew that’s a poem that Tupac has wrote? I should of asked.

But I don’t think people really know why I chill alone. I don’t bother to ask. Just say “yup” & go about my business.

With that said & I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again. I enjoy all the time to myself and prefer times of being left alone. I never need people or anyone around me to feel like I truly exist. I do this for myself. I don’t need affirmations, encouraging, or anything for that matter to push / coach me through life and the many decisions I tend to linger on.

& It makes me appreciate the people I share company with more.

I just find peace in the silence but I do hate the stigma that comes with being alone though, people are so quick to judge you in some negative way but I realize that some don’t understand it’s a choice that just comes with being comfortable.

Just look up this book (Rufus; Party of One: A Loners’ Manifesto) She put what I cannot explain into words.

On another note;

I like to think I am blessed with this gift to write but cursed as well because there are times in which I am afraid to write for fear of judgement or not being proud of the mental place I am, or I feel like I’m repeating myself aka, I have nothing to talk about. It becomes this overthought, overlooked, draining process;

..process that I still find myself addicted to.

I write more than I ever post. I’ve tried short stories, long novels and poems to get out of a comfort zone, but its easier for me to write in the moment and about the moment because I can dive deep into many emotions at any given time and have the will power to expose myself, and not worry about overdoing a character or switching direction like I just did, because it’s about me, only I know me & my life.

The words just fly off my fingertips, But the thoughts disappear faster than I can type and that’s pretty normal. And I hate it, I’ve forgotten some dope shit that I wish I had the time to write.

Now on a waaaaay more personal note,

I’ve noticed the biggest thing for me is just accepting the facts.

I don’t trust people.

Ive Lied and hurt many people.

I’ve cheated. And because of the way life works I’ve been cheated on.

Left peoples lives with no explanation, and been left just the same so I can’t really complain about it.

I’ve lost faith in God, lost my direction, place in the world and found all three.

I Haven’t been the best friend, lost plenty of friends, kept a big circle, now prefer a smaller group because who needs extra stress.

Struggled with the insecureities of my past, been great by myself, lost myself, and that’ll never change that’s just apart of life.


To keep it real I’ve cried more times than I’d like to admit behind closed doors with the music playing trying to blast away all the silent tears.

I’ve thought and thought and thought until my brain couldn’t handle the what if’s anymore.

I questioned myself knowing all the answers to my reality. Doubted myself and gave up on myself for months deep down knowing better.

I reached an all time low, broke myself down. Then one day I just woke up one day started getting myself together and haven’t looked back. And I think it all starts with acceptance; once I accepted things for what they were and that they weren’t going to change I decided to do things mentally like keeping my mind occupied rather with a book/studies or conversation. Physically I destroy myself in the gym to the point I can’t move two to three times a day. It’s how I coped, and its how I didn’t allow myself to relapse into that dark space.

You get it by now, what I’m saying is that I’m only human, and you can see the cracks in Mr.Perfect ( yes that’s a Ne-Yo song) but the breadth and depth of my understanding of things and my self awarwness is far, sooooo far from where it was just months ago.

Damn, I’m all over the place but whatever lol

I’ll just ride these thoughts out

I find it Ironic how,

I SIT outside just to watch the moon RISE.

I debate life with my notepad and scratch out things no longer apperant to me.

Sometimes I wonder what makes it easy for people to walk out my life while I’m sprinting to make my life great.

And if they don’t know your dreams, then they can’t shoot em down.

Just rambling now, let me chill. You can call it that, I’m just clearing out my mind.

Signing off

Until the next time

Much love

Issa New Year!

Now I can complain about the last one! Lol

2017 wasn’t as bad as I thought, but as usual the year seemed to go by too fast.

So heres my quick 2017 recap:

I made some major life choices, I joined the military which at the time I regretted it because I didn’t know what was to be expected of the military as well as myself. But I joined for my family and to scratch off a bucket list goal that I seem to forget about. Key point is I found out I was going to be a new father so I needed to make sure I could provide something for my child so at the time this was a good option for me. I got married young. Deployed overseas and when I get home ill be newly divorced. Talk about a major 360, but hey life goes on, I have zero regrets.

On a positive note, I’ve gotten to go to Missouri, Texas, New Mexico, Louisiana, and New Hampshire. I also left the country for the first time in my life and got to see Germany, Kuwait, and Saudi Arabia, all very different places, weird food, but thank god coffee is everywhere. All an all It was crazy to see how other people live as well as a constant reminder of how good I have it back in the US.

But now I have the travel bug in me something crazy.

I lost trust in people, I stopped reaching out to people who I thought were friends and looked at myself more closely. Basically asked myself, “what the hell am I doing and what the hell is going on in my life?” The result was as follows, I had to take a break from people since it seems as though if I don’t reach out to them I just cease to exist, stopped apologizing, and even explaining myself, so I cut more people off, got rid of some social media because it was effecting me more than it should have, I workout 2 to 3 times everyday and love the transformation Ive experienced, I mean I was in decent shape before for being about 130 to 140lbs but now I’m a solid 170lbs or so with a serious change in my body, so GQ watch out Im coming for the cover lol. I spent more time talking to family, and even been reading the Bible a bit more to try and understand god and what he does for me.

Self preservation is key, I’ve said this before in another post and I stand by that. Invest in yourself, thats time well spent.

Speaking of invest…. Bitcoin…

Holy Shxt! I should of bought it back in the day when it was selling for 10 cents, but being the stubborn man I am I didn’t listen because the person who told me about it has never made smart moves in their life, thats my fault for judging instead of listening.

I have a few other stocks I’ve invested in so hopefully they take off in time.

Thats all I can think of as far as 2017, Oh my babygirl is one years old! I video chatted her the other day and her first words on the phone was DA-DA! Proud father right here, I can’t wait to get back home.

Im really excited to see what music will come out this year.

2k18 New Year Resolutions:

1- Travel

2- Start the business ventures I have

3- Finish this book I’ve started to write

4- Do some Red Cross volunteering

5- Move into the place I want in the area I want

6- Cook more food instead of eating out all the time

7- Maintain my gym routine

8- Read more books

9- Enroll in some boxing

10- Possibly start college

11- Go to a raider game to see Marshawn before he leaves the NFL again

12- Go to a warriors game

13- Get the truck I want

14- Land the job I want

Ill leave it at that for now, don’t want to get into another bucketlist but most of these are very attainable things so I got this!

15- get a dog!

Right now, Today, Im happy, I don’t entertain anymore negativity and don’t answer to any bullshit.

Hope y’all have a good year!

Until next time – Stay blessed.

One way

Sometimes you have to reset, breathe.. you know?

Trying to understand.. more like trying to balance life, balance my own sanity all without resorting to drinking and smoking more, almost often resorts in staying up so late battling my own thoughts, playing music and hoping to hear some type of inspiration.

Like fuck..

& I keep reminding myself that some people just say things to get a reaction and I’m left pushing through the pain or I feed into it, just to wonder why I did..

& some people want you in their life – distantly.

& sometimes its really just me but I blame others.

& sometimes I’m forgotten.

& sometimes I’m okay with all of it.

I never been one to fuck up the vibes but I guess I expect things to be a certain way too much.

Don’t mind me, I’m just venting, the writer side of me is on the lose, I’m not losing it though. There’s just a lot of problems that can’t be solved with just anyone helping or simple conversation. I’m just more worried about myself you know? I just gotta come home.. maybe then things will change.

Anyways. Whoever reads this little blog of mine, I hope you had a good thanksgiving. I spent mine alone this year and found myself missing home and family more than ever. SO appreciate y’all family!

You know what though, as much as I hate most holidays, I love thanksgiving for the food of course, but it reminds me what I have to be thankful for and in todays life I tend to look past what I have when I’m so focused on getting what I don’t.

I’ll post again around New Years

Until then..

(6lack One way ft Tpain)

Yellow Tape

I realize it’s been a while since I’ve posted any sort of update but life took many unexpected turns for the worst since I’ve been deployed overseas and the only way for me to get back on the track of sanity was avoiding social media sites as well as people as best I could.

I needed to have some focus on making it home rather than stressing about the issues at home that are 100% out of my control.

Ultimately I didn’t want to post anything when I was in such a bad space mentally because I’m sure anything I would have posted would have came off very angry and negative and that’s just not what I’m about.

That’s important though; Sanity.

Because self preservation is key in life, and life’s fast, and I just want to take it real slow.

You just don’t realize how much bull- you deal with in life until something makes you stop and say “WTF” – giving you the feeling of wanting to disconnect from everything to evaluate your well being.

With that said I encourage whoever is reading this to download the headspace app for just 10 minutes of meditation a day,or at least give it a try.


Other than that, Im in a better place and plan to do better with posting and networking.

Last thing;

God works in mysterious ways, so I’ve learned to never feel alone when I’m loved, never dive too deep into my mistakes on route to be a better person, Love better, think clearer, and focus harder.

All change takes time, depends on the time you invest into that change.

Alright alright I’m done being all preachy.

Stay blessed.

(Chris Brown. Yellow tape)


Name one writer who doesn’t hate writers block, and I’ll stop posting about my life.

Usually I just grab my Dre Beats when my thoughts start to get so crazy that I can’t recap my life, but two months later, here’s my struggle, I mean update.

I’m living my life although I’m a very isolated person. It’ll catch up to me in the end but I don’t focus on having friends, I focus on myself now more than ever. (Not to sound like a broken record because I’ve talked about this before) I love staying to myself, not explaining myself to anyone and living a detached life – distant from social media – more in tune with my wants, needs and goals.

I recommend more people do that.

Find yourself. Focus on yourself. Be comfortable with yourself. Better yourself.

I don’t know why but I’ve noticed social networks bring out the lies and causes headaches that no amount of prescription drug can suppress. I simply can’t fall into that again because the consequences is what I’ll get in return for lying to myself.

On a more important note, I’ve been training with my unit for our upcoming deployment that I’ve mentioned before for half of June & July, and every year, (today to be exact) reality sinks in more than usual since this time around I’m now 25.

Damn.. 25, the perfect time to take it easy, pause time, rewind my life and play over every choice and experience I’ve gone through to make sure I’m going in the right direction.
I suppose following a routine makes it easy to forget to enjoy life and the time I have. Tunnel vision, so wrapped up in a routine that I forget to break away from that cycle.

I want to change location, maybe then I can change my ways.. side bar // Ever notice how irritating or serious a conversation can become when someone who’s never called you by your real name does just that?

I’m all over the place, music got me feeling some type of way about life so Ill end with exposing my train of thought a bit more;
I’ve spent my life subconsciously wondering what’s possibly missing in my life, a void of some sort, from thinking I’m not good enough, and doubting myself becomes so easy when people are quick to ignore you, point fingers to you, and then turn around and admire you ? That can mess with anyone mentally.

Things are going to change, no longer forcing anything and letting things fall in place, just hope it doesn’t result in me falling flat on my face picking up the pieces again

(Drake. Signs)

True to Self

I want to


write a book

This has been a long time goal of mine, and a serious one that doesn’t come as easy since it’s a test of commitment and patience, aka; the two things in my life that I can rarely get to fall in line these days in the first place.

One thing I can ABSOLUTELY promise is that this world is full of distractions because every time I think I know where I want start/end and figure out how to make the stuff in-between make sense.. I end up at a Starbucks, swiping through Instagram double tapping things that don’t matter.

I hate society, makes it hard not to get side tracked

I low key been trying to talk to / find god to pray for myself, but sometimes I feel like im 24 years too late with all the things I’ve done and been through I feel like if there is a god he/she/it would be like,

“what happened? What happened to you?”

I wonder if anyone else has that thought

Self-righteous but I’m dead wrong on a lot that’s for certain, but I’ll always remain true to myself.

(Bryson Tiller. True to self)

More life

Update time:

1st; I’m sure my titles are a dead giveaway that I’m a music head.

“Life is a feeling process, even on this quest to evolve as a person”

You have to experience multiple things to understand where you are and currently headed and I say this because I really feel like this deployment coming up will test me in ways I never imagined myself going through, although I’m being pretty hopeful that the impact on my life will be all positive ones, I’m well aware that the life we live is never accommodating to requests.

So I’m in this mindset of trying to speak to everyone I’m deploying with which is becoming a major issue for me because I’m really on this solo dolo lifestyle something tough, so with that said, trying to balance a social life on top of that is harder than i thought it would be with me being such a private person. I’m pretty much pushing myself out of my comfort zone, even though i never had an issue with leaving it in the first place.

Can a comfort zone be called or caused by complacency?

I always feel like I’m capable of so much more in life and at the same time I’ve noticed I tend to limit myself, knowing I’m good at many things in life just because I don’t know where to start. I need to accept and start doing these things I love, that’s life to me, doing what you love at all times, staying true to your desires, wants and needs.

Anyways I’m in the process of getting it together because happiness is the mission that’s not impossible and since I’m not that person who is stressing trying to get to the good life, I’m simply stressing trying to make my life good.

Also, I plan to post every week if possible once I get overseas for the year

(Drake. More life)

4 your eyez only

How’s it going world?

Everything is a process, I know this, I know this. Just stick to my plans, stay focused on my goals and somewhere along the line as I daydream through the days and forget the long nights I’ll end up there just like when I’m on a long drive and I space out; on auto pilot, I eventually end up at my destination.

I don’t plan to fade into obscurity; I don’t believe anyone wants to do that, but I’ve never felt so alive knowing this path that I’m on can make or break me. I’m 100% content with that, my life my choices.

 I constantly remind myself to quit being an individual though and to expand my ways of thinking. But hey, if I disappear off the “social media” map or become the definition of obscurity I’m fine with that, Just know I’m living my life.

Actually pressed for time so I’ll wrap this up.

I still feel like there’s not enough time in the day, or that I’m running out of time, wasting time, need time away or maybe it’s time to get it together? Either way time doesn’t seem to be a friend of mine lately so I try to go with the flow of life, but the currents are too strong when negativity is present.

Everyday I think about time and where I fit in time, what I’ve done with my time, and when I’ll be out of it seems to be the main thought of mine. Since I’m still embracing all there is to know about fatherhood and let’s face it, no one really wants to be out of time, but time isn’t always considering people’s best interests last I checked. You’re either taking advantage of time or time takes you. I do know every time my angel smiles at me though, time stops.

I never understood what love was until I became a father.

Look, there’s no doubt in my mind that on this quest I’m on to evolve as a person that there will be multiple “hiccups” that’s life, but what needs to be worked on is all the times I let people and things get to me way more than they should have.

Time can do wonders and still break you down when you realize you’re either where you want to be or far from it.

Until next time.

(J.cole. 4 your eyez only)


Dear Society…


Im going to use this platform as a place for me “vent” and hopefully you can relate to it one way or another. I plan to touch on different aspects of my life . Well, life in general. life never goes as planned and mine is definitely not any different . I have no general direction with this but what I post may or may not be relevant to you. After all, this is my journey and I am welcoming you to it .With that said, don’t expect anything from me. I’ll post randomly but they will be topics I care deeply about .

I want you to leave having learned something but more so , with the feeling that someone else is out here thinking what you’re thinking.