Warning – I have no direction with this I’m just writing whatever comes to mind.
Friend of mine told me I like to exist in the depths of solitude, which I agree but I wonder if they knew that’s a poem that Tupac has wrote? I should of asked.
But I don’t think people really know why I chill alone. I don’t bother to ask. Just say “yup” & go about my business.
With that said & I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again. I enjoy all the time to myself and prefer times of being left alone. I never need people or anyone around me to feel like I truly exist. I do this for myself. I don’t need affirmations, encouraging, or anything for that matter to push / coach me through life and the many decisions I tend to linger on.
& It makes me appreciate the people I share company with more.
I just find peace in the silence but I do hate the stigma that comes with being alone though, people are so quick to judge you in some negative way but I realize that some don’t understand it’s a choice that just comes with being comfortable.
Just look up this book (Rufus; Party of One: A Loners’ Manifesto) She put what I cannot explain into words.
On another note;
I like to think I am blessed with this gift to write but cursed as well because there are times in which I am afraid to write for fear of judgement or not being proud of the mental place I am, or I feel like I’m repeating myself aka, I have nothing to talk about. It becomes this overthought, overlooked, draining process;
..process that I still find myself addicted to.
I write more than I ever post. I’ve tried short stories, long novels and poems to get out of a comfort zone, but its easier for me to write in the moment and about the moment because I can dive deep into many emotions at any given time and have the will power to expose myself, and not worry about overdoing a character or switching direction like I just did, because it’s about me, only I know me & my life.
The words just fly off my fingertips, But the thoughts disappear faster than I can type and that’s pretty normal. And I hate it, I’ve forgotten some dope shit that I wish I had the time to write.
Now on a waaaaay more personal note,
I’ve noticed the biggest thing for me is just accepting the facts.
I don’t trust people.
Ive Lied and hurt many people.
I’ve cheated. And because of the way life works I’ve been cheated on.
Left peoples lives with no explanation, and been left just the same so I can’t really complain about it.
I’ve lost faith in God, lost my direction, place in the world and found all three.
I Haven’t been the best friend, lost plenty of friends, kept a big circle, now prefer a smaller group because who needs extra stress.
Struggled with the insecureities of my past, been great by myself, lost myself, and that’ll never change that’s just apart of life.
To keep it real I’ve cried more times than I’d like to admit behind closed doors with the music playing trying to blast away all the silent tears.
I’ve thought and thought and thought until my brain couldn’t handle the what if’s anymore.
I questioned myself knowing all the answers to my reality. Doubted myself and gave up on myself for months deep down knowing better.
I reached an all time low, broke myself down. Then one day I just woke up one day started getting myself together and haven’t looked back. And I think it all starts with acceptance; once I accepted things for what they were and that they weren’t going to change I decided to do things mentally like keeping my mind occupied rather with a book/studies or conversation. Physically I destroy myself in the gym to the point I can’t move two to three times a day. It’s how I coped, and its how I didn’t allow myself to relapse into that dark space.
You get it by now, what I’m saying is that I’m only human, and you can see the cracks in Mr.Perfect ( yes that’s a Ne-Yo song) but the breadth and depth of my understanding of things and my self awarwness is far, sooooo far from where it was just months ago.
Damn, I’m all over the place but whatever lol
I’ll just ride these thoughts out
I find it Ironic how,
I SIT outside just to watch the moon RISE.
I debate life with my notepad and scratch out things no longer apperant to me.
Sometimes I wonder what makes it easy for people to walk out my life while I’m sprinting to make my life great.
And if they don’t know your dreams, then they can’t shoot em down.
Just rambling now, let me chill. You can call it that, I’m just clearing out my mind.
Until the next time